Suffering

I was cruising along with life, tackling one obstacle at a time.  Sometimes these challenges are small bumps in the road.  Other times, they’re huge barriers, or at least this one is.  It’s not easy to explain, but since no one’s probably reading this, I might as well elaborate.

I’ve been with Kelly my fiance for over 4 years together.  We’ve been engaged for about 2 years or less.  Kelly is a perfect blessing in my life.  As a Christian later in life, I have found it hard to be with someone who grew up as a Christian.  On the other hand, being with a non Christian was quite a challenge as well, not being able to relate to my true desires.  Kelly was the perfect compromise.    Also being a Christian later in life, she understands my past and integrates well with my present.

Our relationship started out as only God could have planned.  We have phenomenal chemistry.  We’re both goofy.  She’s full of fun.  She’s also in the medical field (3rd year medical student.)   On occasion, we have arguments and rarely have they gone beyond that day.   We talk out our differences and issues.  This is definitely one of the greatest attributes of our relationships other than the fun stuff.  We read the bible and pray together.  Even though we aren’t “religious” about it, we try to make it a routine.

Anyway, fast forward to today.  Kelly has been going through some tough times.  Given, she is a medical student, times are going to be tough.  Medical school is so underrated by the common crowd.  Yes, we are less than 1 percent of the population who has made it this far.  On the flip side, this crowd also endures one the toughest experiences in life.  With board exams, short tempered attendings, back stabbing fellow students, grueling hours per week, sleep deprivation…..I could go on.  On top of this, medical students lack social support because they have less time to have fun or socialize.   There is also an “invisible house” to pay off; over a quarter of a million dollars of debt at the end of four years as you are congratulated into your 3+ residency program.  Then, when you’re in your late twenties, you’re earning just enough money to afford a simple apartment and hand down furniture while paying off your quarter million dollar debt over the next 10years of life.

Kelly met her breaking point today.  As her future fiance, it didn’t help that we had another argument about our upcoming financial situations.  We have been planning our dream wedding with a limited budget.  I can see how devastating it is to dream this day all your life and have a fraction of your expectation because of money.  It doesn’t help that we are pinching pennies to make it by this period of our lives.  Don’t get me wrong, we still enjoy some things once in a while, go out to the movies once in a while or going out with friends for a birthday on occasion.   But this has been our budget since we’ve been in college.  One might say, there was a little more financial freedom in college with the help of parents.

Parents (my future in-laws);  this could be the foundation of Kelly’s dysthymia or possible depression.  Kelly’s parents are wonderful, well to do, good intentioned, diplomatic people.  I personally welcome them in my life.  I would love to establish a closer relationship with them as a matter of fact.  Kelly however since the beginning of her college years at UCSD, confided in me that they have not been there for her.  Sure, they provided material needs for her but emotionally have be distant, biased, and unsympathetic to her cause and goals in life.  I used to justify the reason for certain incidents and qualified they’re actions.  First of all, I found out that we the wrong thing for a fiance, future married man to do.  Secondly, I realized the cumulative impact of emotional turmoil that this has caused Kelly.   There are days were she cries incessantly because another inequity.  Their family dynamics consists of assumptions, hints, suggestions, a passive aggressive approach of communication;  open communication being talking around the pink elephant in the room.

One would think this is just a family ordeal, superficial, something which could be overlooked.  Well, when it brings someone into a deep depression, it becomes more complicated.  After Kelly and I resolved our argument tonight.  We made up and were getting ready to go exercise, she sat in her chair in a catatonic like state.  What’s wrong?  Her parents don’t love her, don’t care for her, don’t realize her, don’t really know her, and ultimately ignore her.   Suddenly the explosion of realization hits her like a cannonball in her stomach.  The only one who tells her she’s loved is her fiance who’s expected to tell her this anyway over and over again.   Her breath is taken away from her and her muscles become limp.  Doctor’s call this “hispanic panic” at Pomona Valley Hospital; a condition where emotion overcomes the power of the physical body.

I laid by herself, praying for her all night.  Dear God, rescue her.  Dear God, give her peace.  Dear God, help her seek you.   I stroked her hair, whispering I love you all night until she fell into sleep.  Even as I sit here typing, I look back at her on the floor and she’s not right.  Inside, I see she’s troubled by her parents, by life, by med school, even though in some ways, we have it made.  We have a bright future.  We have all the material we need to succeed.  We have parents.  Yet, even then, there are struggles I cannot deny;  troubles which are deep rooted; complicated;  emotional not physical.

I’m sure we’ll work through this.  But this is it.

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