who do I turn to?

A few weeks have past of my residency. It hasn’t been too rough on me. Internship year is more benign than medical school so far, but only because I was one of the lucky interns who started with outpatient pediatrics. Not only is pediatrics a fun and somewhat cush specialty, but the season for pediatric pathology is low. Despite all this, my life is still chaotic. Once again my life feels like i’m continually adjusting. I still don’t have local friends.  I’m living in between to places.  I don’t have a steady church. And the most unsettling part of my life, my fiance is holding a serious grudge on me.  My life with God is still hanging on thin thread. Who do I turn to? Sometimes it is easy to rely on a best friend like my fiance, Kelly. I can vent to her, I can laugh with her, I can share my life with her, I can go to church with her. Soon enough without realizing it, I’m replacing God’s role in my life with her. I become dependent on her. The loophole is my present scenario. What happens when we get into an argument? I can’t rely on her like i used to.  She is unwilling to do all the things I had previously depended on for. In addition there’s an adverse tension as I walk in the room. So, as the backup plan, I have no other choice but to rely on God. That is where I am at now. As awful as this sounds, it is the raw truth. I wish my life followed the guidelines of the bible every second of my life, something of which I used to label, “sanctification.” It’s difficult to follow that track. Its only easy when you are actually following it, to proclaim to everyone else that it is in fact easy to follow. So once again, I by default fall in the longing need to feel spiritual. This is how God brings me back to Him: slowly but surely. So what do I ask? How do I ask? The prayer is the same each time, without variation from the last. It usually brings me back to the same cycle. Cycles are hard to break out of. So, I pray for a prayer warrior to pray for me. I’m out of the prayer juice……my prayers aren’t as effective as those who lead the “sanctified” life. I’ll pray. I’ll read the bible.  I renew my goal for change.  Then, I’ll tell you how life turns out afterward.

new territory

For all those reading, it has been a while since I’ve written anything meaningful, so my words will flow out like chunks of brick out from my disorganized mind. So, once again, I find myself on new turf. I’ve been constantly mobile the last decade of my life, leaving old friends behind and starting all over again. A little bit of my past is tucked away in each phase of life, some memorable, others regrettable. The benefit is that the past can be safely guarded to myself or those close to me. The problem is that I never can be openly truthful and completely real to any one person. So then, I begin the story of my new branch of life in Pomona, California (Southern California). I will be starting my Family Practice Residency Program this year as an Osteopathic Physician at Pomona Valley Medical Center. I hardly know anyone in this area. The only reason I’ve come here is to be close to my girlfriend, Kelly, who will be attending medical school nearby my hospital and whose parents live close by. I’m far away from my own parents who live in Sacramento. My brother’s family lives in orange county. For anyone who’s considering stalking any of these relatives of mine, you can forget it; they are poor. Anyway, getting back to the subject, I have very few friends in the area. My mobility over the last few years has kept me quite the antisocial worm. I’ve tried keeping in touch with old friends, but quite honestly, out of the bunch, I’m the rare one who initiates the kindle. So, as I wait for residency to start, I am lonely, bored, bordering dysthymia.  And so I begin to miss some of the true jewels in life that kept me from this state in the past:  most notably, God.

my first blog

wasting my time away until residency starts, I aim’ed a good college friend, who introduced me to blogging. I feel i’m wobbling my way through this first blog. As time goes on, I’m sure i’ll feel a bit more comfortable. At the moment it feels a bit intimidating, revealing everything to the world.